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Forgiveness is one of the most difficult and misunderstood concepts in human relationships. It is often seen as an act of generosity, a gift we give to those who have wronged us, or a moral obligation that absolves the offender. But as a therapist, my understanding of forgiveness has evolved over decades of working with clients who have experienced deep suffering. Forgiveness is not about excusing harm or pretending that pain does not exist. It is about reclaiming agency over one’s own life, finding a path forward, and, ultimately, healing.
Many years ago, I began studying forgiveness not out of an innate desire to become an expert, but because I had been deeply hurt myself. Like so many of my clients, I struggled with betrayal and loss, and I had to find a way to make peace with my own suffering. My journey led me to research the relationship between spiritual truths and mental health, and I began to see that forgiveness was not just an emotional or psychological process—it had profound physical and physiological implications as well.
Forgiveness and Health: More Than Just Letting Go
Early in my career, I became interested in what is now known as positive psychology—the study of what makes people thrive rather than simply what makes them suffer. Yet, in the field of psychotherapy, discussions about virtues like compassion, kindness, or forgiveness were rare. Most training focused on pathology, on dissecting wounds rather than cultivating healing.
Yet, I knew from my own experience that forgiveness was not just an abstract virtue. It was an embodied process. Research now shows that holding onto anger and resentment can increase stress hormones, contribute to cardiovascular disease, and weaken the immune system. On the other hand, people who cultivate forgiveness report lower levels of anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. The body registers our emotional states, and the act of forgiving is as much about healing the nervous system as it is about resolving emotional wounds.
The Narrative of Pain: How We Get Stuck in Our Stories
One of the most striking observations I’ve made over the years is that much of what keeps people stuck in suffering is not just the initial wound, but the story they tell themselves about it. Our minds are wired for narrative, and when we experience harm, we construct a story that reinforces our pain.
This is not to dismiss the reality of suffering—far from it. But the human mind often engages in a kind of self-perpetuating loop: something terrible happens, we relive it through memories, we justify our resentment, and we construct an identity around our wounds. This process, while natural, can create a kind of internal prison.
Forgiveness, in this sense, is not about denying or diminishing the pain. It is about finding a new way to hold the story. Instead of seeing oneself as the perpetual victim, forgiveness allows for the possibility of transformation. It asks, “What kind of person do I want to be in relation to my suffering?”
The Myth of the Unforgivable
One of the most common questions I receive is, “Are there things that are unforgivable?” People cite the most horrific examples—murder, sexual assault, betrayal—and ask if it is even possible, or fair, to expect forgiveness in these cases.
The answer, difficult as it may be to hear, is that nothing is inherently unforgivable. This does not mean that everyone should forgive or that every victim must find peace. But history and lived experience show us that human beings have forgiven the most unimaginable offenses. Parents who have lost children to violence have forgiven their children’s killers. Survivors of genocide have extended mercy to their oppressors.
Forgiveness is not about condoning harm. It is not about restoring a relationship with the perpetrator. It is about the internal process of releasing the hold that suffering has over one’s life. It is about saying, “I will not let this define me forever.”
The Process of Forgiveness: A Roadmap
Over the years, I have developed a framework for helping people move toward forgiveness, though I always emphasize that it is a deeply personal journey. There is no single timeline, and no one can be forced into forgiveness. However, there are some common elements that seem to facilitate the process:
1. Acknowledging the Full Extent of the Harm – Forgiveness does not mean minimizing what happened. In fact, true forgiveness requires a deep and honest reckoning with the pain.
2. Allowing the Range of Emotions – People often get stuck in grief or anger because they believe they shouldn’t feel the way they do. But every emotion has its place. It is essential to experience the full spectrum—rage, sorrow, confusion—without judgment.
3. Sharing the Pain with Trusted Others – Studies on resilience show that people who process their pain with a few close confidants tend to heal better than those who either suppress their emotions or broadcast their suffering widely.
4. Releasing the Demand for a Different Past – One of the most powerful realizations in forgiveness is that no amount of resentment will ever change what happened. Holding onto anger in the hope that it will somehow alter reality is an illusion. Letting go of this demand is liberating.
5. Opening to Life Beyond the Wound – At some point, moving toward forgiveness means shifting focus. It means re-engaging with life, finding joy again, and remembering that the wound is part of the story, but not the entire story.
Forgiveness Is Not a Requirement—But It Is a Freedom
It is important to acknowledge that not everyone is ready or willing to forgive, and that is okay. No one should feel pressured into it. But what I have seen time and again is that those who do find a way to forgive—on their own terms—experience a kind of freedom that is hard to describe. They reclaim their power. They are no longer tethered to the past in the same way.
Forgiveness is not about the other person. It is not about making things right with the one who caused harm. It is about deciding how much space that wound will take up in one’s life. And for those who are ready, it can be one of the most profound acts of self-liberation.
In the end, forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about choosing to live. It is about opening the heart to new possibilities, even in the aftermath of great pain. And that, perhaps, is one of the most radical and beautiful acts of resilience a person can offer themselves.
Many years ago, I began studying forgiveness not out of an innate desire to become an expert, but because I had been deeply hurt myself. Like so many of my clients, I struggled with betrayal and loss, and I had to find a way to make peace with my own suffering. My journey led me to research the relationship between spiritual truths and mental health, and I began to see that forgiveness was not just an emotional or psychological process—it had profound physical and physiological implications as well.
Forgiveness and Health: More Than Just Letting Go
Early in my career, I became interested in what is now known as positive psychology—the study of what makes people thrive rather than simply what makes them suffer. Yet, in the field of psychotherapy, discussions about virtues like compassion, kindness, or forgiveness were rare. Most training focused on pathology, on dissecting wounds rather than cultivating healing.
Yet, I knew from my own experience that forgiveness was not just an abstract virtue. It was an embodied process. Research now shows that holding onto anger and resentment can increase stress hormones, contribute to cardiovascular disease, and weaken the immune system. On the other hand, people who cultivate forgiveness report lower levels of anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. The body registers our emotional states, and the act of forgiving is as much about healing the nervous system as it is about resolving emotional wounds.
The Narrative of Pain: How We Get Stuck in Our Stories
One of the most striking observations I’ve made over the years is that much of what keeps people stuck in suffering is not just the initial wound, but the story they tell themselves about it. Our minds are wired for narrative, and when we experience harm, we construct a story that reinforces our pain.
This is not to dismiss the reality of suffering—far from it. But the human mind often engages in a kind of self-perpetuating loop: something terrible happens, we relive it through memories, we justify our resentment, and we construct an identity around our wounds. This process, while natural, can create a kind of internal prison.
Forgiveness, in this sense, is not about denying or diminishing the pain. It is about finding a new way to hold the story. Instead of seeing oneself as the perpetual victim, forgiveness allows for the possibility of transformation. It asks, “What kind of person do I want to be in relation to my suffering?”
The Myth of the Unforgivable
One of the most common questions I receive is, “Are there things that are unforgivable?” People cite the most horrific examples—murder, sexual assault, betrayal—and ask if it is even possible, or fair, to expect forgiveness in these cases.
The answer, difficult as it may be to hear, is that nothing is inherently unforgivable. This does not mean that everyone should forgive or that every victim must find peace. But history and lived experience show us that human beings have forgiven the most unimaginable offenses. Parents who have lost children to violence have forgiven their children’s killers. Survivors of genocide have extended mercy to their oppressors.
Forgiveness is not about condoning harm. It is not about restoring a relationship with the perpetrator. It is about the internal process of releasing the hold that suffering has over one’s life. It is about saying, “I will not let this define me forever.”
The Process of Forgiveness: A Roadmap
Over the years, I have developed a framework for helping people move toward forgiveness, though I always emphasize that it is a deeply personal journey. There is no single timeline, and no one can be forced into forgiveness. However, there are some common elements that seem to facilitate the process:
1. Acknowledging the Full Extent of the Harm – Forgiveness does not mean minimizing what happened. In fact, true forgiveness requires a deep and honest reckoning with the pain.
2. Allowing the Range of Emotions – People often get stuck in grief or anger because they believe they shouldn’t feel the way they do. But every emotion has its place. It is essential to experience the full spectrum—rage, sorrow, confusion—without judgment.
3. Sharing the Pain with Trusted Others – Studies on resilience show that people who process their pain with a few close confidants tend to heal better than those who either suppress their emotions or broadcast their suffering widely.
4. Releasing the Demand for a Different Past – One of the most powerful realizations in forgiveness is that no amount of resentment will ever change what happened. Holding onto anger in the hope that it will somehow alter reality is an illusion. Letting go of this demand is liberating.
5. Opening to Life Beyond the Wound – At some point, moving toward forgiveness means shifting focus. It means re-engaging with life, finding joy again, and remembering that the wound is part of the story, but not the entire story.
Forgiveness Is Not a Requirement—But It Is a Freedom
It is important to acknowledge that not everyone is ready or willing to forgive, and that is okay. No one should feel pressured into it. But what I have seen time and again is that those who do find a way to forgive—on their own terms—experience a kind of freedom that is hard to describe. They reclaim their power. They are no longer tethered to the past in the same way.
Forgiveness is not about the other person. It is not about making things right with the one who caused harm. It is about deciding how much space that wound will take up in one’s life. And for those who are ready, it can be one of the most profound acts of self-liberation.
In the end, forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about choosing to live. It is about opening the heart to new possibilities, even in the aftermath of great pain. And that, perhaps, is one of the most radical and beautiful acts of resilience a person can offer themselves.